A Glimpse of my New Life

Have I ever  emphasized enough  how much  I hate change? I wanted to be one  of those  ‘losers’  that stayed  in the same  neighborhood and taught at the same  school for years  and  saw generations  of families   go  through  the school system ..  I guess the powers that be  are laughing their heads  off  or maybe  I am just not ‘learning’  as some suggest  you  go through  some trials  until  you  are enlightened..  Anyway… We are currently  staying at about 10 minutes from DH’s  current new job in temporary  shelter that the  company provides.  It is    a one bed one bath..second floor apartment  in a  complex that is not  stroller friendly  and has  no elevators.. .. I think they have  one for wheelchairs  at the side where deliveries  are but you have  to buzz the front  and it’s  a big ol’  deal  so  I either end up waking DD  or carrying her up stairs  stroller and  all..     basically we are in  a  ritzy area  but for a bachelor  not conducive  to little  ones  .. but it’s nice and the bed is HUGE!! 

OK.. so we are on the marina  which means  it takes  a while  for clouds  to burn off in the  AM  but it has been nice weather   all week..  C and I walk  everywhere but it easy  to manage. I am  just not used  to all the cars  and traffic and being so close  to  the busy  road  if that makes  sense…

So I hate change and we   will be doing more of it soon.  We plan on living in this area  when  we  finally move out for good.  It is twice the rent here than where we  are in AZ.. No JOke.  The scary part  is that we  signed  a year contract  for our current  place in AZ and I am not sure if we can get out of it. I talked to one  lady and it felt like  a ‘no’  but I will try again.. We just can’t afford  a  lot  of what we have  to  pay right now  but I hope  it gets better and  doesn’t put  a strain on our  marriage. I have seen what money  or the lack of it   does  to people…

So this area  is completely foreign to me. It is  near LMU where my sis went to school but I have no history here and I might as well be on  another planet/ continent… It just makes me sad because  if I was to pick  anywhere  new to live I definyely didn’t  want to  ‘do L.A.’  again.  I know that sounds  spoiled and ungrateful  and I will get used  to this  ‘newness’  AGAIN  but   sometimes when I am feeling sorry and scared for  myself  I wonder  ‘how did I get here?   and why am I  always making the  sacrifices  (which I know  isn’t all true) and how  much I want boring and hum drum  and  consistency  to begin  soon..

But Today I’m Pissed Off!

I’m not pissed off at the moment.  At the moment, I’m recovering from my own little pity party.  I’ve just finished speaking with an intake counselor by phone from my company’s employee assistance program.  I’ll be speaking in more detail to someone tomorrow evening from what I understand, and from there, I may be referred for face-to-face counseling…I have no idea if all this is free!  Guess I’d better find out.  One of my questions for her was how to tell if you need counseling.  She wanted to know why I asked and I basically said that I don’t think I’ve been able to express all the feelings I have about this, or even know what all the feelings are that I have, everything feels so jumbled up.  Of course, that got me all emotional, but she was patient and understanding, so I got through that 15 or 20 minute intake conversation.  She reminded me of the value of good friends, the ones who have been so supportive.  And so I thank my friends once again for being there for me.

Which leads into the ‘pissed off’ part of this entry.  It’s Gladys who’s been talking to me most lately, in person and on-line, and the message is sinking in.  I’ll be honest with you all, I’ve been trying to find his house!  lol.  He’d given me so many clues about where it is, and I know I’m in the right area, but there are a lot of houses there!  This weekend is the 3rd weekend I’ve done this…and there is a point to it, although I’m not sure how sharp the point is.

I think if I know where they live, I can somehow make a better case for adultery.  And I think there might be a point to divorcing him for adultery rather than ‘unreasonable behaviour’ and it all comes down to money rather than the embarrassment of both of them being named in a divorce suit with ADULTERY emblazoned across the top of it!

Yep, it’s the change to my lifestyle, and that is starting to sink in.  My back hurts from sitting in a camping chair (I’m sitting on it with a pillow on it tonight).  I can’t buy the 16-roll pack of toilet paper because I can’t throw it in the back of the car!  Let me try to enumerate the lifestyle changes…naturally, I had a whole long list while I was riding on the bus…

1.  ‘My share’ of living expenses have gone way up.  Previously, I paid stbx each month for ‘my share’ of the rent, council tax, cable/internet/phone, car/contents insurance and it came to £300 a month.  Obviously, there are those other bills that don’t come so often and things like groceries, but we split them as well.  Now, my rent alone is £395 a month…I don’t even want to think about the rest, but at least I won’t be worrying about insurance – no car and not many contents.  My council tax (even with the 25% discount) will be about £60 a month, and cable (after the first two free months) will be about £35.  I should be spending less on groceries, but overall, I’ll be spending at least £200 a month more on the basic expenses.  No way to know at this time just what I’ll be paying for gas, electricity and water, but I have a feeling it will be more than the 1/2 that I was paying in a 3-bedroom house.  Any math whizzes out there want to give me a percentage on my increase in living expenses?  This is also not taking into account the fact that I’ve got my student loan on forbearance until May and that will then add around £150 a month to my expenses, depending on the exchange rate.  At this point in time, I bring home less than £1000 a month, so things are going to be a bit tight.  Once I’m past my probationary period, I should be bringing home an additional £300 or so after tax.  (I have a horrible fear that the stress of all this is going to extend my probationary period, but I’m going to try not to think about that.)

2.  Housing itself.  The house may not have been the greatest, but we had space and it was fairly sound.  Having a garden was great.  Now, I have no space, this place is cold, I have no furniture and will have to think carefully before spending any money.

3.  The car.  The car itself is basically worthless, it’s 15 years old.  But, it represents freedom and independence, even though I wasn’t the one driving it.  The toilet paper example is just one example of what I’ve lost without access to a car.  I’ve suddenly become dependent on others, and others are aware of that dependence, from friends, friends  at work to my uncle, reminding me that they are there to help if I need to buy someing ‘big’, they have cars.  The offers are great, but the loss of independence is daunting.  Might sound strange, since I relied on stbx, but he was always willing to take me to the supermarket and do a big shop (even though we both hated the crowds!).  I’ve had groceries delivered in the past, and I guess I’ll have to see if I can afford that – seems like the best deals on delivery are when you spend a lot more than I’m willing to spend right now.

I’m sure there are other things I’m forgetting, but I want to get a list together for my solicitor, and ask him how we can do this as an adultery case.  I’m the one who wants to do this quickly and painlessly, and I also know you can’t get blood out of a rock, but I really think stbx has a lot to answer for in how he handled himself in this situation.  I don’t plan on being down for long, but I am down and it’s going to be a struggle for the foreseeable future to get back to where things were before he was having/I was aware of the affair.

It’s A Sad, Sad Situation

After a long and mostly boring day at work, I came home to find something that reminded me just how little it takes to send me into the doldrums, which is quite different from being in the trough instead of riding a wave!  Being in the trough can sometimes last for just minutes, being on a wave can be pretty exciting, but being in the doldrums….bleh.

On Monday evening, I dropped off the flat’s inventory at the estate agent’s.  There were a few items highlighted on there as being problems – window frame warped so window won’t close in the living room, radiator in the living room doesn’t heat up, ventilation ‘tube’ not seated properly in living room so daylight (and very fresh air!) comes into the room, loose mixer tap in the kitchen, dripping shower, no instruction manual for the oven, which is fan assisted and I’ve never used one, so haven’t got it figured out yet – that covers most of the items!  I asked for someone to contact me to see what could be done about some of these problems.

So, I came home to find a letter on the mat from the estate agent.  Good, I thought, that was quick…but it was just a letter stating they were enclosing my copy of the inventory to keep in a safe place!  That brought me right down!  I’ve already decided that plus points go towards staying at this flat longer-term if the landlord responds quickly to fixing problems.  I hadn’t expected such a quick reply, but not even a mention of ‘we’ll get back to you on the problems mentioned’ doesn’t bode well.  I’ll give it until next Wednesday, and if no further word, I guess I’ll actually write them a formal letter…

Also, earlier in the week, I sent my soon-to-be-ex a letter care of his parents informing him I won’t be in the house after 12 December and he needs to arrange with the old estate agents a walk-through of the house with that inventory in hand.  I also wrote to the estate agents saying I wouldn’t be available, giving them my forwarding address and stbx’s parents’ phone number if he hasn’t yet contacted them.  Gave them my mobile and email address if they need to contact me.  Posted first class on Tuesday.

I got here to the empty house this evening to find a message from them on our answer phone asking us to get in contact to arrange a time for the walk-through!  I assume that means they haven’t received my letter!  And I have no clue if stbx’s parents would’ve opened my letter or if he has been to their house recently – you think he would be!  He’s got a pile of mail sitting here at the house, but not my problem.  It just all makes me feel down and more tired than I have been lately.

The final straw?  The mud on my shoe that I realised, after I’d walked through most of the house, seemed to be sticking.  Went outside to wipe my shoe and then noticed the smell.  Damn, I hate it when people don’t clean up after their dogs!!  So, I tracked dog shit all over an empty house!  Luckily, there was still a dish cloth and dish soap here, so I cleaned my shoe off as best I could and wiped up as much of it as I could find around the house.

I hope I’ll be able to laugh at all this tomorrow.

christmas plans?

i thought it might be interesting to post our various plans……

me??? i’m working…christmas eve night and christmas night…..£200+  each night

yes, i can be bought….

we’ve passed on all christmas decorations and traditional celebrations this year, next year when the kitchen is rockin and the living  and dining room are lookin uber cool….it will be open house time….

shhh, don’t tell him…

your plans????? i know we are all in such different places…states of minds….  hopefully some lurkers will jump in…….tell us…please…do tell….

what will YOU be doing over christmas???????

The Party’s Over

I’m all moved into my new flat, most of the packing boxes are in the loft (yes, Gladys, that means you can have many of them back should you find your collection shrinking!).  The flat feels small, cold and crowded, although I’m not done unpacking yet.  It’s way too early to decide whether I’ll stay there beyond the six months of my lease, but I definitely do need time to think about it…time to think about lots of things.

I shouldn’t used the word ‘depression’, I suppose I can say I’m depressed.  I can feel it simmering away on the backburner, waiting to shove its hugly black head out.  I can feel all the anger, hurt and even despair simmering away back there.  I think it’s what keeps me awake at nights.  Funny thing is, once I go to bed, I’m out like a light and stay out for four or five hours and then I’m wide awake again.  I so far haven’t been able to force myself to bed much before midnight.

I feel very aimless.  Yesterday morning, I lost a couple of hours just wandering aimlessly around the flat – I don’t know where the time went, I didn’t accomplish much.  I felt totally indecisive.  So now I’ve started making lists to try to keep track of what I need to do and in what order I should do it!!  In the end, I got a lot done yesterday and the place would be totally unworkable if it weren’t for the loft.  There’s so much room up there for the stuff I don’t need on a regular basis and it’s fairly easy to access.  It’s just that I can’t put anything very heavy up there because I don’t have the strength.

I need to go out and buy a set of tools – as in hammer and screwdrivers – and I need to get a torch – you know, a flashlight.  Must remember to add them to my list, right under broom and mop!!

So that describes me on a down day – indecisive, hurting, angry, depressed – and no where to go with most of those feelings.  I can add worry about getting ill from the stress of it to the list.

On an up day, however, things look pretty good.  I now have an opportunity to learn more about how I tick and how I function in relationships.  It may be worth the counseling just to get all of that straight in my own mind.  To learn how to be more decisive and definite in what I want and what I will and will not put up with.  I’ll let you know as soon as I learn to accomplish this impossible feat!  But, it is an opportunity for me to ‘re-define’ myself and figure out what I want out of the rest of my life.  Remind me to start a list soon!

Over the next weeks, I’ll also be making a list regarding the pros and cons of where I’m living now.  I don’t think it’s fair to the flat (or me) to start that now.  It’s my New Year’s resolution.  The lease ends on 31st May and then goes from month to month, so I will again be a free agent to decide where I want to live.  A good reason to hang onto those packing boxes…

In the meantime, can anyone think of any reason why I should stay married to that untrustworthy, lying piece of crap??  Last night, in a fit of boredom and frustration, I was reading some of his messages to some of his pals on his fishing forums…right up until the end of July, he was telling one of them (who is British but lives near where we were planning to move) about the things he was doing to prepare to make a move next year.  So, was he lying to himself as well as to me, or just to his mate?  If he wasn’t lying to himself, then this has indeed all come about very quickly.  Yes, he undoubtedly was involved with her at that time, but did it, for whatever reason, tip over the edge very quickly shortly after that?  And why?  Rhetorical questions, all, with no answers.  I’ll be so happy when I get through this (must go through it, no way to go around it, that wouldn’t be very healthy) because then I won’t care about the questions, let alone the answers!

So, his involvement with her may have evolved quickly, the end came quickly, the divorce will come quickly as well…

getting festive

hope the regulars don’t mind…i added the snow…

So What If She Does Have it?

what if she does have  Stickler’s  or PRS ? Although it breaks  my heart  to read about them  and see  C  in them  ..can they cure her  ? Is there  a  fundraising effort  to  find a  cure?  Seems to me  it settles  the docs’  minds and  adds  a new statistic  but nothing  changes  for  c’s life…  I think I must have  some of those symptoms as well and no one ever told my parents  I  had  a syndrome..   It seems that lately I have ben getting pressure from people on this side of the pond  to  get  thyself  to a geneticist pronto!!    It seems her  eye  doctor nd  cleft surgeon  wonder what she has..  I have explained  to  all  concerned that firstly I do not have  health insurance,  secondly we  went through the whole  gambit when she was in the hospital  in   England  .. Finally they told me she had markers of some  but not  enough  of one thing to  say she definitely has  anything… So we  left it that she  has  a SWAN..  (syndrome  without  a Name)  ya..sounds  a bit BS to me  .. but hey…  I explained  to her US docs that my big fat main concern  is getting her a  SALT here  and helping me  feed her  correctly… help me with her  food aversions,  her  dislike  to  drink anything… and basically help me  so she eats like a  ‘normal’  human being.. I am still waiting for that referral.  We did go on the 17th and  they all seemed  to   agree and  understand what I was  dealing with  but now have  to wait until they farm us out somewhere..

Next Stop– Criticism Corner..Mind The Gap

Thanksgiving came and went  and  having my parents stay  with me  for part  of the time  just leaves me shell-shocked.  My. GAWD.  You’d think that now  that I’m pushing forty   they  would either  just  sigh in resignation  or  I’d  be  ‘used to’    it. I mean the criticism of course.  They actually stayed with   me the weekend  before  until Tuesday.  With my parents there  is no way you can  get a big head  about yourself  or  get haughty about anything.. no way.    As my father talks  to his friend  and explains  how  my sister is  ‘busy’  and has  a lot to  do.. I am  ‘free’  and  I can cart them around town  unlike  my sister  (who what?  has  a    life?)  I guess  they value her life more.. d’uh!  She has  to  help with my BIL’s  business (make money)  and  pick up  her  kids at school everyday..  ohh  ok…        Then  every time  I  pulled into  a  parking space.. every  dang time.. my dad would make me  ‘re  do’ it.. you know.. either straighten up  or  leave  more room on   this  or that side…  ..and  have I mentioned  how  utterly disappointed  my mom is in  my weight gain?  I have no need to feel discouraged  about my weight gain  which  hello? I KNOW!!  My mirrors  work  quite well.. no fun house mirrors  out here..  plus  I see myself in pictures..   well she  just  has to ask  me  if I am wearing  a girdle.. if i wore  a girdle  she swears  it would all be better  and  so I know NEVER  to  complain about my weight in front of her  or the way I look because  I  seem  to  refuse  to  listen to her words of wisdom  and it tears her apart  or something..   Have I told you I have always been labeled the  ’stubborn’ one?  and I am dying to ask my sister  but I  just  can’t do it.. if she bugs her about the whole  girdle thing because  my sister  is heavier than I am…  They just don’t seem to  bother her as much.  We   seem to  gather around their schedule..  they have  the money  therefore the power  I feel..  PLus my BIL  is NOT into  family..especially extended  dysfunctional family like ours  I am guessing..so  I think my folks  are bright enough to know  that  they would get  cut  off if they  don’t behave…  I guess I just  don’t have         that  kind  of pull.   and of curse my  not so wonderful  parenting skills.  My DD is not  up to  speed  with other children  about    some developmental stuff.. She struggles  with eating  issues and  is not potty trained.. I know..I know.. but she is   very bright  and smart  and sensitive….and I’ll put her up  against any  three year  old in that department..   even  educated  people who  deal with children  on  a daily basis  have  told me  so.. they swear she can read.. I don’t think  so although I do believe  she knows  some  words  on sight..  Anyway my mother can’t help but tell me how  ‘backwards’  she  is and my dad  just  shakes his  head  at  how she  doesn’t seem  to  be  ‘moving forward’..  I finally told  my mom  not to  look at her  if she bothers  them  so much… just ignore her  …It got to the point that  I would feed C  in  another room  if my dad  was  around..  It really hurts  my feelings  because I already  have  issues  with  DD and have  felt  from  day one  that maybe she would have been better off with other  parents  that maybe  she needs more  than  what  I  can  give her  so it doesn’t help when others  don’t believe  in us  either..      The even  ‘funnier’ part is that  my mom  always suggests how  I should go live with them  while  DH  sorts himself  out with work and  setting up  a place for us to live..  The same people  who  have told me  and I agree  that I can’t stay too long  at their  house  to  vacation because my dad doesn’t have the  patience  or  whatever it takes  to have me around..  Last time I stayed  for three weeks  and it  was  the dumbest thing I  ever did  in  ages.  I think the really sad part is  that  I miss them when they aren’t around  and everyone  ‘knows’ all that touchy feely stuff  about how time is valuable and  how one day we will  regret the  time we  didn’t share  blah blah…  but I feel I can only take my folks  in small doses.. One holiday down.. one to go..  I am one of those people  who does  NOT look forward to the holidays.. has anyone seen the movie  ‘Home For the Hoiidays’?  I can soo relate  unfortunately..

A Time to Laugh, a Time to Cry

Just wanted  to  get a  discussion going on your top  five movies that make you laugh  and the ones  that make you cry..   You can disagree  loudly  or agree  quietly.. Whatever.. I think we  have  to  make  more  of a commitment to this  blog  so let’s  make it truly be about  anything and everything..    I have been  slacking on my own blog as well and I am ashamed.. trying to  think  of the profound..but sometimes life isn’t about the profound  or  moving..sometimes it  just  is..  and  it’s OK..   I can’t believe  how much  life has changed and how much more  is changing..   Although  stress is still there.. only differently  for  Dh.. We are getting along SSOO much better and I am truly grateful..   OK   about the movies.. I can  name some off the  top om my head but I may change my mind later..  I also haven’t seen loads  of  ‘the  ones  everyone has seen’ 

 To Cry

The Champ, Beaches, Life is Beautiful, Titanic, My Life

To Laugh– 

not as easy. I can tell you certain scenes  in movies I found  hilarious  but not the whole movie..  

Forget Paris– Where Debra Winger is trying to  drive  with the pigeon stuck to her  head          A Night at the Roxbury–  Meet the Parents–  Along Came Polly–  Hank Azaria’s  chaaracter in that..Period!    Father of the Bride–  Martin Short’s  character in that

your turn

what does it take?

what makes a real, sustaining, loving, fulfilling relationship??

 i don’t know…i know what  a bad relationship feels like…but i really struggle to know what is a good one.

what is a realistic level of annoyance, irritation, avoidance, lack of sex, secrecy, privacy etc????

can any of those things be measured in hours, days…heartbeats, passwords…..texts??

in my current state, i admit to regularly being soooo pfffft, gggrrrrrrr, aaaayyyyy,fffffffkkkiiinn…..time/emotionally occupied with the state of my relationship to the point that i wonder what the point is.

other than procreation what is the point?? what do you get…or hope…or dream of …getting out of your relationship??